Neanderthal Seeks Human - Penny Reid

The cover says " A Smart Romance".....



BEST JOKE I'VE HEARD IN 2017!

So what is this "smart" romance about?! Well, from the 200 pages I managed to painfully get through, here's what I gathered:

Jane Morris, your typical clumsy, awkward, insecure, insult to women everywhere, main female character, got fired and dumped her cheating boyfriend all in one day. To get over it, she goes out dancing with her bestie to a hot new club. At the club she runs into Sir McHotPants, a.k.a the "security guard" who works in her old office building and escorted her out of the premises on the day she got fired. Her friend has to leave and against McHotPant's (Quinn) wishes, Jane stays at the club, drinks some dodgy shit and ends up waking up at Quinn's place with absolutely no memory of the night before. Thus begins a post date rape drug romance!

I don't even know where to begin. Shall I list out the plot holes first? Or maybe amaze you with the "smartest" paragraphs ever written in literary history. Let's go for writing first..

Are you guys ready? Here we go..

"I reflected on the resulting debate after the found condom wrapper was smacked to his forehead by my palm"



"Good looking in an adorkable kind of way"

It's not adorkable to use adorkable as an adjective.

"Even after our fight, for it was the closest we'd ever come to a fight, this morning he told me I could stay, that I should stay, that he wanted to work things out."

The Grammar Nazi's called, they want their commas back.

" It didn't matter how certain my head had been that his..."

Oh, those troublesome heads!

"I looked from the hand, now on my elbow, up the strong arm, around the curve of the bulky shoulder, and over the angular jaw and chin, until my eyes met the breath-hijacking sight of Sir Mchotpant's piercing blue eyes. I cringed."

NO! I'M THE ONE CRINGING! ME AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.

Blekh, as if the atrocious writing wasn't enough, there was also the random ass plot.

Spoiler Alert from here on.. well tiny spoiler alert since I never actually got to the end of the book.

Let's play a little game of what would you do...

1) If you wake up in a stranger's home after clearly having ingested a rape drug, do you:

A) Rush to the hospital to get yourself tested
B) Have a nervous breakdown and attack said stranger
C) Be rational and demand to know what happened last night since the stranger clearly knows something
D) Completely disregard the fact that you were drugged - possibly raped too- and just go get some breakfast with the stranger cause he's oh so hot!

If Jane was a real person, she could potentially do any of the first three. But, since Jane is a clearly unrealistic and unhinged book character, she just went out for breakfast!



2)If a creep manhandles AND threatens you at the park do you:

A) Kick him in the balls and run away
B) Scream for help
C) Freeze from panic until your date saves you, then have a nervous breakdown
D) Apologize to the creep for bumping into him, tell your date that it is totally cool that this guy is manhandling you... you bumped into him after all cause you're, woops, so clumsy! Then forget all about the incident and the fact that this man VERBALLY THREATENED YOU CAUSE HE CLEARLY WANTS TO HARM YOU!!!!

We obviously all know what our intelligent Jane did!

Finally, I say this all the time and will continue saying it, DOMINATING MEN ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE.

It's not endearing when a guy decides what you're going to eat... how is this cute?! I would throw a proper bitch fit if my date ever orders for me without asking me what I wanted. That's the shit that ends relationships and starts wars.. alright.. it's not cool.

Or another weird ass dominant scene was when Quinn just takes off Jane's glasses and pockets them....

DOES SHE NOT NEED HER GLASSES?! Is this romance? " You don't need your glasses when I'm with you"? What the flip guys... has this ever happened to anyone?!

GAH. Goodbye book. You shall stay on unfinished forever.

The Man in the High Castle- Philip K. Dick

Unfinished Book


Couldn't get through this.

The idea is brilliant, what if the Axis Powers had really won the war.. what would the world be like then?? I personally don't think things would have been as dramatic is portrayed in this book. And maybe that's what Philip was trying to tell us since "The Grasshopper Lies Heavy" is way more disastrous than the world actually turned out to be.

Basically, any outcome would have been just as good and shit as the other.

The problem with this book was the cringe dialogue. Oh my, it was sooo awkward and uncomfortable. I stand by the statement I made after getting through a Kafka novel " Great thinkers do not necessarily make great writers". Some people should stick to theorizing and philosophy and not venture into the world of novels.

Example of awkward dialogue/scenes:

I don’t understand you,’ she said. ‘What do you believe? What is it you want? You defend those monsters, those freaks who slaughtered the Jews, and then you –’ Despairing, she caught hold of him by the ears; he blinked in surprise and pain as she rose to her feet, tugging him up with her. They faced each other, wheezing, neither able to speak. ‘Let me finish this meal you fixed for me,’ Joe said at last. ‘Won’t you say? You won’t tell me? You do know what it is, yourself; you understand and you just go on eating, pretending you don’t have any idea what I mean.’ She let go of his ears; they had been twisted until they were now bright red.

This is just so weird. Mind you, those people just met. Juliana picks this guy up at a bar, takes him home and he just stays there... He "misses his ride" and just stays in her house. Their interactions are fucking awkward and unnatural.

Then there is the weird Japanese clipped sentences. So all the Japs in the novel converse in broken English but it seems that the Americans have adopted this speech too... with each other.. why? The war hadn't even ended that long ago for this talk to be imbedded in their psyche. It just made the book hard to follow and pissed me off:

‘What else reported by Nippon Times?’ Paul asked his wife. ‘Much confusion and intriguing. Army units moving from hither to yon. Leaves cancelled. Border stations closed. Reichstag in session. Speeches by all.’

Ugh. Shut up!

Gave up on this in the end; not worth it.

David Sedaris- Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

I don't like David's narration style but I do like his stand-up comedy style, if that makes sense.

I listened to this as an audio book and most of it were funny stories from David's life. They mostly annoyed me, HE mostly annoyed me, particularly his voice. I didn't like him very much in most of the stories told and it's difficult to enjoy a humorous book about a narrator you don't really click with. However, some parts were read as a stand-up comedy skit and I really enjoyed those, I laughed out loud and appreciated the humor.

This is probably going to be the last Sedaris book I read but I'd watch him on one of the late shows.

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie - Alan Bradley

Flavia, an 11 year old chemical genius, finds a dead body in the cucumber patch. Armed with her bicycle, chemist knowledge and wholly entertaining thoughts, she sets out to solve the murder and exonerate her father who is the prime suspect.
Loved this!! Flavia is such an entertaining narrator, she may be 11 but she doesn't act or think like an 11 year old, except when she's poisoning her older sister's lipstick. The whole de Luce family was hilariously dysfunctional and I loved seeing it through Flavia's eyes. The mystery aspect reminded me of Harriet the Spy, which I loved as a child, so it made me appreciate this book even more.

It's a fun light read that I really enjoyed. Would I be picking up the rest of the novel? hmmmm, probably not, at least not now, I feel satisfied with just the one.

The Woman in Black - Susan Hill

Arthur Kipps, a young enthusiastic lawyer, is sent to the late Mrs. Drablow's estate to go through her documents and settle her affairs. Mrs. Drablow's estate, Eel Marsh House is isolated and a long way off from the nearest town.  There Kipps witnesses horrors that will haunt him forever.

Not really SCARY but still creepy enough that I wouldn't listen to the audio book while taking the stairs (the staircase is in an enclosed space and the lights come off every 10 seconds so that you have to flip the switch every time you descend/ascend a floor). My boyfriend's been to see this as an interactive play and says it's the scariest thing he's experienced, I'd LOVE to go see that! I'm a sucker for ghost stories, although I don't sleep well for days afterwards. Some people get their adrenaline kick from rollercoasters I get mine from the supernatural.

I believe there are better horror stories out there, but this was a good enough subtle gothic story with a solid plot and an eerie feel.

Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin

This Book:





I detest this book, loath it, ABOMINATE IT. Possibly the shittiest women's lit story written in the 21st century. AND THEY MADE IT INTO A MOVIE... AND KATE HUDSON WAS IN IT. Unacceptable.

This shitty excuse of a book begins at Rachel's 30th birthday party which was organized by her "best friend" Darcy. We quickly realize that Darcy is the bitchy charmed child and Rachel is the self pitying friend in the shadows. By the end of the night, Rachel and Darcy's fiancé, (who was originally Rachel's friend) get drunk, hook up and continue hooking up afterwards.

Why was this book shit? Oh, let me count the ways.

The whole foundation of the book was faulty. Rachel and Dex are having an affair. Ok, fair enough, people have affairs all the time, sometimes it's with a stranger, sometimes it's with your partner's friend and sometimes even with their siblings. Ok, it happens. BUT SINCE WHEN DID IT BECOME OK?! Cause that's how it was portrayed in this book.

Giffin took PAINS to make the reader hate Darcy and feel sorry for Rachel. We were bombarded with flashbacks of Darcy being mean and selfish, taking Rachel for granted and generally putting her down. All of Rachel's friends SUPPORTED this affair and again reminded her how terrible Darcy is. So, my question is: Rachel, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL?!??! I'll tell you why, because Rachel is a spineless creature that's just floating through life and looking for excuses why it sucks. She hates her job but won't do anything about it, she complains about her figure all the time but never spoke of working out or changing her eating habits and she uses Darcy as an excuse for why her life sucks. "I didn't get into uni because Darcy stole my place, I didn't get the boy because Darcy got to him first." NO. It's cause you either weren't good enough or you didn't flippin try!!! Don't blame Darcy.

Another literary crime Giffin committed was creating a character that's not real. Of course I'm not going to hate Darcy and take Rachel's side because Darcy simply does not exist. NO ONE is this lucky, beautiful, loved, talented, successful and horrible. Yea, maybe on social media, but not in real life. It's ridiculous. She's pitted Rachel up against a unicorn.

I felt so much anger towards this book, even now, when I glimpse it in my kindle library, floods of hatred rush through my body. Like an allergic reaction.

A Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare

I dislike Shakespearean plays, or so I've said to myself and others for the past 11 years, ever since I read the dreaded Romeo and Juliet and watched as my teacher awkwardly skipped the sex scene during the Macbeth movie.

My dislike for Shakespeare has no basis, rather I don't care for Romeo and Juliet, but it's just ONE PLAY. So! I've finally gotten myself to read another play and I didn't hate it! It was difficult to read, sure, but there are annotations and kindle now let's you check Wikipedia when you highlight a word, so it wasn't as bad.

It was funny, I'd love to watch it being performed and I'd definitely enjoy it even more now that I've read it and understand what's going on.

It wasn't until I got to the part where Hermia finds Lysander sleeping in the forest that I realized I used her monologue to audition for a play at University! No wonder I didn't get the part.. I didn't even understand what I was saying or the context it was in.

I don't even know why I attended the auditions, they were for Romeo and Juliet.... #hypocrite