Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Neanderthal Seeks Human - Penny Reid

The cover says " A Smart Romance".....



BEST JOKE I'VE HEARD IN 2017!

So what is this "smart" romance about?! Well, from the 200 pages I managed to painfully get through, here's what I gathered:

Jane Morris, your typical clumsy, awkward, insecure, insult to women everywhere, main female character, got fired and dumped her cheating boyfriend all in one day. To get over it, she goes out dancing with her bestie to a hot new club. At the club she runs into Sir McHotPants, a.k.a the "security guard" who works in her old office building and escorted her out of the premises on the day she got fired. Her friend has to leave and against McHotPant's (Quinn) wishes, Jane stays at the club, drinks some dodgy shit and ends up waking up at Quinn's place with absolutely no memory of the night before. Thus begins a post date rape drug romance!

I don't even know where to begin. Shall I list out the plot holes first? Or maybe amaze you with the "smartest" paragraphs ever written in literary history. Let's go for writing first..

Are you guys ready? Here we go..

"I reflected on the resulting debate after the found condom wrapper was smacked to his forehead by my palm"



"Good looking in an adorkable kind of way"

It's not adorkable to use adorkable as an adjective.

"Even after our fight, for it was the closest we'd ever come to a fight, this morning he told me I could stay, that I should stay, that he wanted to work things out."

The Grammar Nazi's called, they want their commas back.

" It didn't matter how certain my head had been that his..."

Oh, those troublesome heads!

"I looked from the hand, now on my elbow, up the strong arm, around the curve of the bulky shoulder, and over the angular jaw and chin, until my eyes met the breath-hijacking sight of Sir Mchotpant's piercing blue eyes. I cringed."

NO! I'M THE ONE CRINGING! ME AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.

Blekh, as if the atrocious writing wasn't enough, there was also the random ass plot.

Spoiler Alert from here on.. well tiny spoiler alert since I never actually got to the end of the book.

Let's play a little game of what would you do...

1) If you wake up in a stranger's home after clearly having ingested a rape drug, do you:
A) Rush to the hospital to get yourself tested
B) Have a nervous breakdown and attack said stranger
C) Be rational and demand to know what happened last night since the stranger clearly knows something
D) Completely disregard the fact that you were drugged - possibly raped too- and just go get some breakfast with the stranger cause he's oh so hot!


If Jane was a real person, she could potentially do any of the first three. But, since Jane is a clearly unrealistic and unhinged book character, she just went out for breakfast!



2)If a creep manhandles AND threatens you at the park do you:
A) Kick him in the balls and run away
B) Scream for help
C) Freeze from panic until your date saves you, then have a nervous breakdown
D) Apologize to the creep for bumping into him, tell your date that it is totally cool that this guy is manhandling you... you bumped into him after all cause your, woops, so clumsy! Then forget all about the incident and the fact that this man VERBALLY THREATENED YOU CAUSE HE CLEARLY WANTS TO HARM YOU!!!!


We obviously all know what our intelligent Jane did!

Finally, I say this all the time and will continue saying it, DOMINATING MEN ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE.

It's not endearing when a guy decides what you're going to eat... how is this cute?! I would throw a proper bitch fit if my date ever orders for me without asking me what I wanted. That's the shit that ends relationships and starts wars.. alright.. it's not cool.

Or another weird ass dominant scene was when Quinn just takes off Jane's glasses and pockets them....

DOES SHE NOT NEED HER GLASSES?! Is this romance? " You don't need your glasses when I'm with you"? What the flip guys... has this ever happened to anyone?!

GAH. Goodbye book. You shall stay on unfinished forever.

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